This blog post is going to be personal. I mean I usually post stuff from my personal life, but this is going to be deeper than that.
During the past three months I’ve never felt the feelings of failure as much as I did. Most people ask me “how do you do it all?” Or “you are superwoman!” Please, let me clarify. I don’t do it all. And I can tell you, I am NOT superwoman.
If I could be honest with myself, I would say that I said this to myself almost everyday the past three months… “I feel like I am failing..”
You’re probably thinking it’s a bit dramatic to say those words. I don’t actually say that out loud. Nor do I tell others that. But in my head, I have found myself feeling like I am failing everyone and everything around me.
I felt like I was failing my 2 month old daughter, Chloe. Because I worked too much a few weeks after she was born, she eventually didn’t want to breastfeed, she didn’t “need” me anymore..I thought about it everyday. I cried, prayed, and kicked myself about it. The moments when she cried and pushed herself away from me broke my momma heart.
I felt like I was failing Grace… at the point she would sit next to me and kiss me for five minutes before I even noticed she was there… cause I was too busy working on my computer.
I felt like I was failing my husband because for the 100th time, I snapped at him for something little, five minutes after he brought me coffee and did something sweet for me.
I felt like I was failing my clients because I overbooked myself and couldn’t turn around photographs fast enough.. instead work piled up.
I felt like I was failing my friends, because I became too busy to make time for them or return a phone call.
I felt like I was failing God because I didn’t have time for Him. My life got too busy.
I felt like I was failing myself because I found myself believing I was a failure. I found myself ungrateful for the things I had around me, but most of the time I just wanted to escape and avoid these feelings of failure.
I didn’t write this post to tell you I was failing, cause lets be honest, most of us feel this on a daily basis. That’s not why I wanted to write this… I wanted to write this to show you, when life gets too crazy…. when we have too much going on… when we are not intentional with our days, when we want to be and do too many things…that we don’t invest our time in what is really important…when we push God to the side..
We miss out on our life.
We miss out on the good. Instead we dread the good. We experience feelings of failure in everything.
My feelings of failing turned into anxiety.
Until I was honest with myself. Until I looked in the mirror and realized I NEEDED to change something.
I so badly just wanted to simplify my life to bring more focus on God.
Because if I didn’t, I would continue dreading to enjoy, love, and take care of the things I was blessed with.
No matter the things we have in our life, whether it’s our own “ideal” family, our “ideal” job, our pinterest house, reach a certain “status” in our careers, we will find an empty hole in our hearts.
God shattered my dreams. He shattered my plans. He broke me of the things I thought I wanted.
God woke me up to make me realize I NEEDED Him. I needed Him before I needed the other things. Without Him, without spending time with Him, I wouldn’t be able to be the wife, mom, business person, friend, dream chaser I so longingly desired to be. He woke me up so I would realize I don’t just need Him when I want Him or when it’s convenient but that I needed Him in every area of my life.. every day..that I needed Him to permeate throughout my whole life. I needed Him for direction. If I don’t make the time for Him, then my whole life will feel out of control, out of balance, and that I will soon miss out on it all.
I wrote this to inspire you. To inspire you to focus, to be present, intentional on the blessings you have now. To spend quality time with God. To not let your life get too busy to enjoy what you already have in front of you.
I know this year I pray I can be still. I pray that I can be intentional. I pray that I can be present.