Chloe’s cry was in the harmony of my deep sighs. Sighs of frustration. Sighs of exhaustion. Sighs of hopelessness.
Then it dawned on me, that I was in a state of discontentment. I was in a state of self pity.
I was pitying myself, because honestly, I was running on four hours of broken up sleep and it was 2pm and Chloe was messing up with my nap time since Grace was napping.
I needed this time to myself, I kept thinking over and over in my head.
The more I pitied myself, the longer the sighs got, the more frustrated I became… the more I felt like an awful mother.
And all she wanted was some milk, but she was refusing to breastfeed. So as I laid her screaming body on the couch to pump, I realized that motherhood is not easy. I was almost allowing myself to become resentful of Steven. I kept thinking, “how could this man, for the second time, leave me to do this on my own?” I was thinking selfishly. Like he “chose” to not be there (I know he would be here in a heartbeat to just hold all of us in his arms…) But then again, the state of self pity is just a deep and dark hole, that never ends. The more you do it, the weaker you become.
So instead of crying out of frustration, I gave up and cried out to God. I tend to try to do it all on my own. But the more I go to prayer instead of crying out of frustrations, the more I hear God, the more I let go of my selfish desires, the more grounded I become. I realize I’m in a time of my life where I will most likely be exhausted 80% of the time. I realize that a cup of coffee will taste like heaven in a cup in the mornings… or the afternoons. But I ALSO realize every phase in life will bring its own trials and hardships. God is constantly sanctifying us. He is constantly pulling us towards Him. If life was so easy, so perfect, we wouldn’t need Him. We wouldn’t crave, thirst, yearn. hunger for His grace and love. Cause I know I need grace, love, strength every single day.
But at the end of the night, when my house is silent, when both my babies’ deep breathing, is like a sweet song to my ears. A song of blessings. Blessings I don’t deserve, but the blessings that I was entrusted by God.
So my prayer tonight, before I lay my tired body to bed (it’s 8:30pm), is that in the times of frustrations, desperation, exhaustion… that I will see the bigger picture. God is constantly growing us. He is constantly sanctifying us in our lives. No matter where we are in life we will ALWAYS need Him, no matter how much we think we can do it on our own 🙂