It was a quarter past 5am when I woke up and I felt this desire to check the empty hole of Facebook. I found myself sitting in the eerie silence, Steven had just left for work, and I’m thinking of doing nothing purposeful and knowing I’ll probably feel worse about myself if I check it.. yet I still want to. Then I stopped and reminded myself and asking “why?” Why am I checking Facebook? Is it this perpetual desire to feel some sort of approval of my peers? To see if someone thought about me or if my business page is growing? Man, that constant desire for that is creating this empty hole in my heart, the powerful and numbing feeling of discontentment. I realize that and I put my phone down and felt this powerful and desperate need to open my bible. I can say that God was doing something in that quiet moment. I flipped open, there laid Galatians 1. I kept reading and my eyes fell on this powerful verse.
Galatians 1:10- “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Man, can it be anymore clear? I wonder if God was speaking in that moment. Actually, I know He was. I don’t have to wonder, cause wondering is for the unsure man who believes he is smarter than the one that created him.
Who am I living to please? Who am I serving?
I had to really think about it. No matter how busy life gets, no matter how much success brings us, no matter where we are in life.. it. does. not. matter. in. the. end.
Geesh. It truly doesn’t. But why do I obsess over it? Mindlessly let my finger click on the internet browser, which then brings me to Facebook to check my notifications?
A few hours later here I am sitting here on a cold fall day (cold for the south), my toes are a bit cold, but I’m wearing my husband’s flannel and a warm knit blanket over my shoulders and reflecting what had happened earlier this morning. I’m looking out the window and shadows and highlights fill my backyard, with beautiful red and orange leaves flying through the wind. I hear the birds chirping in the silence during Grace’s morning nap. Usually I feel this yearning of “gotta get stuff done” “I don’t have time to sit and read” “I need to clean, edit, write emails, this, that.” I have this strong numbing desire to feel accepted and desired, and I always find something to bring me down. To make me feel worthless. I make so many mistakes yet and I feel those weighing me down. Sometimes those thoughts of self condemnation takes away the blessings in life. But I sat down this morning, not feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, letting go of deadlines, and reminding myself that we were created for so much more in this world. The criticism, the mistake we make over and over, the desire to be better and richer, the self condemnation that constantly ring in our ears, and the desire to feel approved by the world, was lifted away. I had to remind myself that God does not want us to seek approval from this world, we will never find it. God wants us to seek HIM. To feel his unending and unfailing love. We stray away so often and find ourselves numbed by all of this. It breaks my heart. It’s not fair. As Ann Voskamp said in her book One Thousand Gifts, “I am a woman who speaks but one language, the language of the fall- discontentment and self-condemnation, the critical eye and the never satisfied.” But she realizes that being thankful and finding joy in the little things, can cure that discontentment.
She writes the secret to living joy in every situation is to have thanks for everything, not just the big things, but the little things we look pass everyday. The socks on our feet, the heat in our homes, the running cars, the pillows we lay our heads on, the contacts that improve our vision.. yet even with improved vision, we are blind by what we do not have than what we already have.
Paul repeats over and over:
Phillipians 4:11-12- “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”
My heart yearns for this perpetual satisfaction and I am diseased with the feeling of discontentment. I pray my eyes and heart will find joy in everything and my heart will feel your love abundantly, before my mind finds things to be unsatisfied by. I pray my heart will be overwhelmed by thanksgiving.
Walk with me on this journey of thanksgiving and joy in the little things. Here is my list for today.
Today I am thankful for:
1) My healthy and beautiful baby Grace. Her insatiable curiosity and her feistiness. It’s one of the things she got from me, but everything else, she got from her Daddy.
2) Coffee my husband made for me, three hours before I got up.
3) My husband’s heart and his mind.
4) My health and energy today.
5) My friendships that have been with me for years and the ones I just made.
6) The soft light coming into my living room and the complete silence in the house…
7) My marriage. Even when rocky, I still see light at the end of the tunnel. My husband’s promise to lead me, love me, and nurture me even when I’m the crazy wife 😉 haha
8) My honesty to admit that I’m not perfect and even when I only post the good on Facebook, my life is not perfect whatsoever.
9) Groceries in my fridge.
10) A computer with internet.
I could go on, but I am thankful for so much, but take for granted even more. My prayer today is that the good will outweigh the bad and that God will continue to teach me His ways and His goodness.. to seek Him and not man. To find joy in the little things and to give thanks in every situation.
Thanks for reading my personal and deep thoughts 🙂